Jokes

Five of the Best Short Politician Jokes

 
1. Only in Britain......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well.
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
2. During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.
3. Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.
4. Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
5. Nobody can fix the economy.
Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.
Nobody's perfect.
Vote for Nobody.
  Ten Funny Things About Marriage
1. The woman always makes the rules
2. These rules are subject to change without notice
3. No man can possibly know all the rules
4. The woman is never wrong
5. If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6. The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7. The woman can change her mind at any time
8. The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9. The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10. At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said
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Didn't like the four-letter-word
Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter's, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anesthetic when a nurse asks him how he's feeling.' I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery'.

'What did he say?' asks the nurse.

'OOPS!'
 
Wash it Again
My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.'

'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'
  
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.


" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.


God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
 
My One and Only Love
Vicky, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a jeweller's shop in Connaught Place, Delhi.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Vicky thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'.'

The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Vicky retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'
   Performance Appraisal Report
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping

coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader
 
Important Document
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when she found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
  
Irresistible Model 
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
 
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